How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
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Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Britain be like
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.