Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
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nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I think my mom just blocked me
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I can’t deal with men any longer
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
it was love at first sight
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down