I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
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My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?