waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
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Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?