[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
You Might Also Like
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Birds & Planes.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.