Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
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Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”