Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
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One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
what?
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
worst…sale…ever
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*