Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
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Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Just me and my debit card against the world
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*