Auto correct is my worst enema.
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“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner