Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
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*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.