Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
You Might Also Like
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?