I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
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The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse