Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
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your elf on the shelf was delicious
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.