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cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?