Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
You Might Also Like
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling