Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
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i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Called it
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
just witnessed a drug deal
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height