Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
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My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
i did the math
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.