Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
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An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done