If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
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my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
huge if true: the moon
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!