Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
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The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Scream sneezers need love too.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Whisper out to librarians!
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?