At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
me 2 months after i graduated
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast