EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
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i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Many hands make light work
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!