*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
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Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
That’s enough internet for the day
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.