Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
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“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Probably my best painting.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
The two types of wives
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.