My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
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I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?