nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
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My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting