Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
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Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
#Caturday
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????