Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
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My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.