i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
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[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
The Backseat Boys
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal