My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
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Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.