After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
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Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
is this a warning or an offer?
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
This is so me 😂😂
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles