Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
You Might Also Like
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Going to church you guys need anything
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
The Sun
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE