Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
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alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
what the hell pray for carter everyone
me and my fake scenarios
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.