The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
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I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
My circle of trust is a meatball
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Living the best life.. 😊
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.