[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
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Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*