So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
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DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.