If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
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Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.