*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
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ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
best review i’ve ever seen
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Human are so complicated
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae