What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
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When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher