[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
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me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
me adding lol on a serious message
Me checking my bank balance online.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
My last name is Zilla.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie