Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
You Might Also Like
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents