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Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?