Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
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I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.