You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
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I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
this is so top tier i cant
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Basketball
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.