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AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
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Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
We’ve all been there
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.