My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
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Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Green is just blue that someone peed in
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
This forever.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook