Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
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Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I put the h in mysterious.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Don’t talk down to me
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.