God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
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EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break