Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
You Might Also Like
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
*seductively eats two tums*
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
🤣🤣🤣
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago