I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
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Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Huge, if true.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
No regrets in 2018
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
If you know, you know 😂🚔